"But Now You Belong To Heaven"

Lorin, "I miss your voice, I miss your smile, everything about you." The entire world went silent, and froze. It was the longest shortest moment of my life, and I saw you bud. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't speak. I should have been hurt, but I squeezed Jenny so tight and I ran. I ran hard. I ran, and I collapsed.

What I Want.

     It seems like the only place that feels like home is standing over a full kitchen sink with my hands in mucky water. I can see my life behind closed eye lids. I can picture the basement door open to my right, and my painting hanging up over the faucet. I wonder if I'm dreaming now. I wonder when I'll wake up. How did I get here? I built something. I had it all. I was finally sitting good. The house, the cars, the career, the kids, but I don't think there was ever love.
     Sometimes I blame myself that the "good" life is gone, but I know deep down it wasn't my fault. It never was. I've given, and been tread on so many times. I often times repeat things to myself in my head. Terrible things to make me feel little, pathetic, and useless. Things I recall being told almost every day by the only person I'd admired more than God himself.
     I'm afraid now. I'm afraid because I've come so close, and lost it all. My hand was forced. I screamed until I couldn't breath anymore. I cried until my face ran with blood. I don't know if I can live through that defeat again.
     I never wanted to feel. I never wanted to feel anything for anybody ever again. I became cold. I've been merciless. But with you I can't. With you I feel small, and terrified. I feel so much that I can't control myself. I want to tell you, but I don't know how.
     When I see you with my daughter I can't believe for one second you're real. The way she gets excited to see you, and how she cries after you... You fill my heart in so many ways I want to explode. When I said I loved you my heart sank. In a good way but some part of me felt guilty. I asked myself, "Why did I say that?" I felt guilty because I'm not sure how to love. I don't know if I'm doing this right. I don't even know how to do this, but I want to.
     I believe you understand me, and that I've never had. I worry what you'll think when I melt down. I wonder if you'll be there for me or if you'll disappear. I wonder if you can handle it, and my high hopes tell me you'll never force my hand. You'll never make me feel worthless. You'll never push me over the edge. I want you for me, and for my Rose because we love you.

I don't know.

I don't know if I can do this, but I want to. My fears have returned, and it already hurts. I kept my walls so high. I've done so well, and I never thought I could feel this way. You're face turns the light to dark, and takes me away. It sounds like a sea of stars over my head. It makes me sick how badly I want to do this, but how scared I am... It drops like an anchor around my feet telling me to stop. You don't understand. I don't think anybody could ever understand the complexity of my feelings, the wholesomeness to my heart, and the aches I try to ignore deep within.

More.

All I've ever wanted was to write it all. I wanted to write words to move people, to make them feel something, but I lost it along the way. Did you know that? Did you ever know what my dreams were? I've fought a thousand battles in this life. I've loved harder than imaginable. I've fallen so fast I scraped my knees. I've wanted more, and more. I've gone blind by beliefs, and faith. Seeing was never believing to me. Hopes were. Broken dreams. Broken faith. That's what I know, because of you. That's what you taught me. I loved so much. I grew so much. I listened to all the lies. I forced myself to think they were facts. If any of your words meant half as much as all I've written, you would have been here. You would have given me more of you. You would have made the right choices for the life we built. You would have. You would have kicked the habits, the addictions, those who brought poison into our life. You could have. You should have. You were too stoned to hear me. You were too scared to be a father, and husband. You used to be my weakness. You used to make me hurt. You don't do that anymore. You won't do that anymore. I have more, and more. We have more, and more. We are not alone. We stand in the sun. We stand with faith. We stand strong hand in hand, and all I hear is my name, "Mommy, Mommy." This was never the life I thought you'd give us, but I was wrong. You're sorely confused if you think I will back down from what is right, and wrong. You're wrong. Drained, overworked, trying, I have the best reason and I wish I could make you see it. I wish you knew.

Somebody.

"I came to life when I first kissed you. The best me has his arms around you. You make me better than I was before, thank God I'm yours." Dear Somebody, I have yet to meet you. I often times wonder where you are, who you are. What do you do? How bright is your smile? I can't wait to know you. I want to feel a sensation I've never felt before. I want slow dances, spinning around with your hands in mine just to stop dead in your eyes. One day I'll "thank God I'm yours." I'll bet you'll make me laugh. I'll bet you've got the most handsome face. I'll bet on something true, faithful, and honest for the rest of our lives. I'll bet you're somebody I'll never give up on. You'll be my brick house, my foundation, my strength. I'm strong, but you'll make me stronger. For now, I will stay here. I will stand here in the wind, rain, and sleet until you find me.

You Should Know, I Used To.

Your Letter.

I read your letter again today, only it sounds different now. I wish you were the man behind these words:


To My Dearest Lauren,
I have been thinking for days Lauren. I know you need your space, and some time to your self. I understand now. I understand that we want different things in our lives. The night you dropped off Jenny to me I was so afraid. I was afraid of losing you, and our family. What I did not realize is that I lost you a long time ago. I know that you even tried talking to me about it and I just swept it under the rug like your feelings didn't matter. And now I'm paying the ultimate price, and that is losing you. Losing you was the biggest fear of my life. I just did not want to believe it. I remember the nights when you were asking me to make a baby with you, and I remember telling you that I did not want to have a baby with someone that did not want to be together forever. And you said, "Brendan, I will love you forever, and I just want a family of our own." You just want me. So we agreed, and after 6 months of trying we found out that we were having a baby. I remember the day when you peed on the stick and how happy we were. How happy we were to be starting our own family together. I'm not writing this to make you sad or upset. That is not my intention. I just want to thank you Lauren, because having Jenny changed my life. It changed the way I think. I remember the ultrasound and how happy we were to find out if we were having a baby girl or a boy. I was thinking about it the other day and it still makes me laugh today. When she told us it was a baby girl and I remember looking at you and saw your face and how you asked the woman to check again. I know you wanted a son so bad. I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wanted our baby girl to be named Jenny. I'm sorry I took that from you. I want to tell you why I wanted our baby girl to be named Jenny. And it has nothing to do with that blonde bimbo on facebook. I wanted to name her after my real grandma. You already know that my mom was adopted by my Grandma Cheri, and my Grandpa Bob. When I was little I remember Jenny telling me that she loved me and that she did not want to interfere with our family but to always remember where I come from. Ever since that day I have wanted to have a baby girl named Jenny. To let my grandma know that I have always remembered what she told me. And I think that's why she tries to be there for Jenny's birthdays. I'm sorry for not marrying you Lauren. I'm sorry for not even thinking about having another baby with you. If I could go back I would have married you a long time ago, and when you asked me things like having another baby I should have talked to you about it. And it should have been both of our decisions not just mine. You don't know what you have until it's gone Lauren. I know that I have made a big mistake. I pushed you away from me. I did not listen to how you felt. All I can do now is wait. Wait til you find yourself. I am willing to start all over like we just met... (Pgs 1-3, 9. To be continued...)

My Last Letter.

     One of the last things I wrote for Petar said, "It seems that no matter what I do in life you'll always be the one I loved first. It seems that no matter what I do in life he'll always be the one I love last, the one I love most, the one more meaningful than you." ( http://masterpiecepleasemasterme.blogspot.com/2012/10/cracked-ceramic.html)
     You were supposed to be the one I love last. I've been reading over my old writings. It seems like as soon as I met you there were gaps in time. I used to write every single day, sometimes multiple times. It was my only vice. It was my only coping mechanism, but when you came into my life I didn't need it anymore. I'd forgotten how to put the words together because of you. I didn't need to pour out my emptiness when you filled my voids.
    I like to tell myself I'll stop loving you one day. I like to tell myself I'm going to be okay. I like to tell myself there is something better than you that will cross my path. The truth is there are countless people better than you. The truth is there will always be better people than you, and I. Somebody with nice things, and their life together but I never wanted that. I've always wanted a messy canvas. I never aspired for a completed project. I'm a work in progress. You're a work in progress if you want to be. We were always a work in progress. At some point over the years we halted the project, and fell into a hole. We both stopped, and started digging lower and lower beneath the surface where we needed to be all along. One day I woke up and I just couldn't dig anymore. I stepped back to watch you keep hauling lower and lower. I tried to climb the rocks. I tried to tell you how I felt. I tried to pull you up with me, but it seemed no matter how tight I held onto you... You just kept slipping further, and further down.
     I thought about walking away for over a year, but there was always something in the back of my mind hoping you'd grab my hand. You let go of me a long time ago. I felt empty. I felt betrayed because of your unfaithfulness, and dishonesty. I needed you to see my pain. I needed you to feel something. I needed you to be there, to hold me, to put me above all else. When my childhood friend died it was a knife twisted in my gut. It was the worst sorrow I've felt in my life until now. I needed you to be there for me, and you weren't. I stood alone. I stood teary eyed, hurt, and alone. The moment I started to execute a plan on leaving I broke down. I wished I could talk to you, but I'd already tried that numerous times. It seemed that no matter what, "our" family came second to the life you've always known. I gave up the life I knew to be with you. I gave up my comfort for our life together. I wanted a life with you full of new things, sacrifice, and more than anything honesty. I wanted a life filled with beautiful children, and to create a home somewhere just for us. Not here, or there but somewhere away from it all. More than anything I wanted to fill our canvas with joy, and memories, and beautiful colors. I wanted to excel in life together, to become better in ourselves as a team. We've been broke. We've been comfortable. You lost your job, and I held us down. I quit working when the physical pain of pregnancy took a toll on me, and you held us down. I still admire you every single day for being that man. I still love you every single day for giving us a home to live in even if it wasn't a mansion. I still pride you for feeding us, and clothing us. I've never stopped loving you for that, but I've always wanted better for you. I've always wanted better for us. I wanted to help you get educated, and put down the blunt wraps. I wanted to move out of the city. I wanted you to give up the life you've known to turn over a new leaf and start a life with us. To create a world of new as our own family.
     Our canvas is dark now. It's torn in shreds. It's broken. I feel I've given you everything. I gave you all of me until now. I was 17. The only life I've ever known was you. I've been faithful, honest, and whole heartedly invested since February 4th 2012. Even when I thought I'd disconnected from you, and given up on the dreams I had for us I stayed hopeful. I waited up every single night for your phone call that never rang through. I laid awake staring immensely into the ceiling of my mothers living room praying you'd just show up at the door. I wished every day you'd just forget it all, and come after us. I hoped that you'd see a life without us, and realize that wasn't what you wanted. I hoped you'd put us first, and I believed you would. I was let down, again. I was foolish for putting that much faith in you. I wanted you to think for yourself. I wanted you to believe for yourself, and for us. I hoped you'd picture somebody else making me laugh, and come to my rescue. I hoped you'd fight until the end for us, but I guess that must have been something else you were dishonest about. I hoped you'd break your back, give your last breathe for the family we built. Most of all I hoped you'd be the man I thought you were when I fell in love with you. The man I asked to father my children. The man I agreed to give my entire life to until my dying day. Through everything I've stayed hopeful, and I still am. I forgive you, but the sorrow you poured into my heart will never completely drain.
     I meant it when I said I believed God made us for each other. I meant it when I said I'd live in a box with you before I'd ever give up on us. I meant it when I said I've made mistakes. I meant it when I said I believed in you. I meant it when I said I was thinking about leaving. I meant it when I said we needed professional help. I meant it when I said I'd love you until the end. I meant it when I said we'd always be together. I meant it when I said you'd never have to be alone again. I meant every single word, but now all those words hurt. Now, all my words seem hollow and sometimes I don't believe you ever heard them at all. I don't know when you stopped listening, and I don't know when I disconnected. I don't know how we got here, and I wish we weren't here, and I wish you hadn't forced my hand. I thought I'd given up, but only time had shown me I was wrong. I let it sink in, and I grew to realize that driving a knife into our life was not what I'd wanted. I came back from my breather full force, head first willing to give everything I had left to mend the brokenness we've known for so long. The memories on our canvas weren't worth giving up to me, and I wish they could have meant more to you. I wish you could have seen past the words being whispered in your ear by those vain, and eager to see you unsuccessful. I wish you could have seen past the opinions of those who didn't build this family with you, who didn't create these memories with you. I was there, and I followed you, and I believed in you. I wish you could have seen what I wasn't willing to give up on. For the rest of my life I plan to keep going up from here, and I'm sorry that you slipped away when you could have come with me. For the rest of my life I will be sorry that Jenny Rose couldn't have what we never did. That she won't have what I'd always prayed she would. For the rest of my life I will never forget that little old couple in the nursing home, 78 years and they still sleep next to each other. I'm sure it wasn't easy for them. I saw us in them, but nonetheless I was disappointed yet again.
     I come from strong, humble, honest, and deep loving people. I come from a life you've never known, and those roots will never seize in me. I've not yet given up. I've not yet lost my backbone. I know in the end when my work in progress is complete I will be okay, but my shattered hope will never fully repair because of you.

Always,
     Lauren.

My Little Sister.

Payton,
     Sometimes I think you forget I was your age before. I went through it all too. I don't take your sh*t because I already know... It's hard, and it'll only get harder for the rest of your life. When I was fifteen I was "madly" in love, or so I thought. I would have given anything. I would have jumped in front of a train. I felt so strongly that nothing else, no one else mattered. Then you get your heart broken... Then you sit alone in your room, and you cry... Then you wish just anybody heard you, that certain somebody would come back and you could pretend it never happened to begin with. I never thought I'd love again, but I was wrong. These are all things you're going to feel, and I wish you didn't have to. The person you fall in love with first, second, or maybe even third will not be the one you marry. The person you'd stand in the rain, sleet, and snow for will eventually become a fading memory. Things you remember so keenly today will get foggier as days, weeks, months, and years pass by but they'll still sting you here and there. I still cry sometimes. I still wonder sometimes, but what for? I don't have that answer unfortunately. It'll be amazing... for awhile, then you grow apart. It took almost 4 years, but surely as the sun will rise it fell apart too. Enjoy every moment of it while you have it, keep the pictures in a box, cry as much as you have to, but don't forget those who love you. When I look around at my house, at my life, at my husband, at my daughter... I actually get sad. This is everything I have now, and I couldn't imagine losing any of it but I gave up so much. For everything meaningful in your life you will sacrifice one way or another. I gave up being close to my family. I gave up small town country living. I gave up my very best friend. I gave up aspirations I had before I picked this life. But God knows I wouldn't change it, and one day you'll be sitting right here where I am counting all the things you let go of, and counting all the blessings in your life that were worth it. I love you Payton. There is no person that I believe in more than you. The greatest gift you can give a little girl is a sister, and mom gave me just that when she gave me you.
Love always,
     Lore

J.W.

Joel,

I think about you every day. I wonder how you get up in the morning, drink your coffee, and go to work? When I look in the mirror I see what I see in photos of you. I wonder how it feels on your insides? Or if you even feel that I am a stranger? I’ve lived every day just wondering, but when I had the chance to ask you, I didn’t. I was in awe. I couldn’t believe you were real. The person who created me… The person who didn’t intend on me could no longer deny me. I’ve felt terrible for as long as I can remember because I have never known the meaning. I have never known you. For a while I started to believe you were something I’d imagined, that physically all I’ve ever had was my mum. You’re less a man in my eyes each passing day. My greatest hope for my daughter is that she’ll never know the pain I live with. I hope that she'll never feel as ashamed of her life as you've made me feel everyday.